How to Get the Gift of Weed

’Tis the season to receive needless junk. Whether it’s another salad spinner, a beer candle or fishbowl bookends (kind of cool, actually), you wonder why loved ones don’t A) know you better or B) give you something you can always use… like weed.

Seriously, other than cash (not a check, since that requires effort), what’s better than the gift of green? But there’s a problem: It’s not that easy telling those in your life that your rations have run low and you’d like marijuana instead of an electric backscratcher this year. However, with a little tact and creativity, you can get your message heard loud and clear.

1.

Tell friends that your dealer is going to Bora Bora for a tantric yoga retreat over the holidays, and you’re not sure how you’ll cope. You’ll try to white-knuckle it until January, but you’re not making any promises.

2.

When people ask you what you’re doing for the holidays, say: “Well, I know what I’m not doing.” Then pull an empty bowl from your pocket, gesture to it dramatically and sigh deeply. At this point, they should start getting the hint.

3.

Wax nostalgic with the fellow tokers in your life. Talk about the “good old days” when you had a surplus of weed to go around. Tear up a little for added effect.

4.

If friends and family haven’t gotten the drift by now, send them suggestive photos of a lonely bong stored in an empty closet, or rolling papers blowing aimlessly in the wind. Wear a T-shirt that reads “Smoke Me Out, Stranger,” or, “I Haven’t Been This Sober Since Probation.”

5.

Don’t be ashamed to ask the nonsmokers in your life for a little weed sack, as well. You never know if Aunt Harriet might have a secret stash, or if the UPS man makes “special” deliveries.

6.

Remind family members that you’re infinitely abler to manage their dysfunctional antics when you’re stoned out of your gourd. If they can’t supply you, you can tell them that you may have to resort to booze, and that’s when things could get real ugly, real quick.

7.

Gift yourself a plane ticket to Colorado or to one of the other weed-legal states.

If these techniques don’t work and you still haven’t received green goodness for the holidays, make sure others witness your disappointment. Whether it’s an ugly sweater or a pack of socks, ask the giver: “But can I smoke this?”

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