How to Love Your Weed

If you’re alone this Valentine’s Day, why not consider dating pot? Chances are, you’ll get more from dating a herb than a Herb. And here’s why:

First off, marijuana relieves loneliness. Marijuana users who reported feeling lonely had higher levels of self-worth and better mental health than non-users.

Secondly, while pot may have a negative impact on memory, it’s ideal for relationships. Who doesn’t want to forget that nasty crack your last significant other made about your cooking? With pot, say goodbye to longstanding resentment and hello to, “Huh? I don’t really remember that.”

Here are some more benefits of loving your weed:

• It doesn’t borrow your money or stretch out your socks.
• It doesn’t break up with you two weeks after you lost your job and put your dog to sleep.
• It doesn’t mind arranging a corny romantic dinner or reciting a poorly written poem while you’re in the shower.
• It doesn’t hold your occasional meltdowns against you, but finds them cute, even endearing.
• It doesn’t call you “dude” sometimes. (Well, OK, pot does do that.)
• It doesn’t buy you a gold bracelet with flowers on it when you only wear silver.
• It doesn’t want to text you to death and would rather see you in person.

Pot is also smoking hot and smells good. It can be stuck in a drawer when you’re done with it. And it doesn’t mind talking to you about deep, heavy stuff (pot embraces that shit). It just wants to see you happy and put a smile on your face.

I know, you’re rolling your eyes and thinking: Oh come on, you’re being silly now. Pot can’t love. Pot doesn’t have feelings. You need feelings to be in a relationship.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s set the record straight: Feelings are definitely not necessary for a relationship. Think of the biggest relationship problems you’ve ever experienced. What did they all have in common? Feelings—dumb, mercurial feelings. You’re probably feeling something right now. Guess what? It’s going to change in, like, two minutes. How reliable is that? But if you’re a romantic purist and feelings are a necessity, well, pot is just a plant,

Plants have feelings too. Researchers at Michigan State University discovered that plants have a rudimentary nerve structure that allows them to feel pain. According to Plant Physiology, plants are capable of identifying danger and marshaling defenses against perceived threats. “Plants not only seem to be aware and to feel pain, they can even communicate,” claims botanist Bill Williams of the Helvetica Institute.

If pot protects me from dangerous situations, feels pain and communicates, then it’s already doing better than three of my previous partners combined.

So the next time you’re feeling lonesome just because you don’t have that special someone on Valentine’s Day, just check your stash. The answer was there all along. Unless you don’t have a stash, which means you’re leading a loveless existence. But hey, that happens sometimes too.