Nine Cool Halloween Costumes for Lazy Stoners

You’ve been invited to a Halloween party, and you want to take advantage of the free food and booze, but you’re too couch-locked to come up with any clever Halloween costumes. Here are nine suggestions:

1. A stodgy critic

All you need is a pad of paper and pen, and a disgruntled look on your face. Take notes on your likes and dislikes at the party, including the quality of food, cleanliness and the over-all likability of the partygoers. Clink your glass, quiet the crowd and read your “review.” Your guests may act hurt, but they’ll secretly envy your discernment and smugness.

2. Any monster, pre-transformation

For every Mr. Hyde, there’s a Dr. Jekyll, who is much easier to recreate with a costume. Whether it’s a vampire, a werewolf or a zombie, when people ask about your costume, utter menacingly, “Wait… just you wait.”

3. A hollowed-out shell of your former self

Do you look any different when de-pressed? Probably not. So when you tell people you’re on the verge of a colossal breakdown, how will they know the truth? Slump your shoulders, drink copiously and say farewell a lot.

4. A no-show

It’s fashion-able to arrive late, but even more fashionable is to not arrive at all. A no-show says, “I’m too damn important for your little party,” even if you stay home and watch reruns of Hell’s Kitchen instead.

5. A YouTube celebrity

Who’s going to know? Just keep saying, “I can’t believe it… I’m trending again.”

6. A fancy stoner

A joint in a cigarette holder, a bad British accent and voilà, you’re a stoner sophisticate! Don’t forget to wear your hat at a jaunty angle. When it’s your turn to sample the stash, ask, “Is this a sativa-dominant hybrid? That’s all I smoke this season.”

7. An undercover cop

A high-larious costume that works best at parties where you don’t know anyone. Announce loudly, “This is a house arrest,” confiscate all drugs and trample over as many civil rights as possible. Wish everyone a happy Halloween as you hightail it out of there before they discover the ruse.

8. A faux pas

Slap a little raw egg on your face and make social gaffes all night long. Need some inspiration? Hit on someone you know doesn’t like you. Call your partner your ex’s name. Congratulate a rotund woman on her upcoming pregnancy.

9. Michael Phelps in the locker room

Take off your clothes, beat your chest and grab your bong. Act like the champion that you are. Don’t forget to be stand-offish and cocky.

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